Why Is It So Hard to Change How I Parent? (And How to Start Small)

I'm going to be really honest with you. A while back, I started my own business as a parent coach and digital content creator, and it has been an emotional roller coaster. While I was super excited about it, most of the time I felt overwhelmed and unequipped, and I wanted to throw in the towel. But why? I've been coaching parents of young kids for nearly three decades. I have the skills. I have the experience. I can do this, right?

If change were easy, I would be 60 pounds lighter and working out every morning for an hour (which, I might add, has been written in my journal at 6 am for over two years and still hasn't happened). It is so much easier to sit on the couch and binge-watch a show.

So why am I telling you this on a parenting blog? Because I think the same thing happens to us as parents. We keep doing what we've always done, even though we want to do better. We read about what to do, we save the posts, we watch the videos, but we never find the time or energy to actually practice the new strategy. So I want you to hear this: if you know what you want to change but can't seem to make it stick, that is normal. Moving out of our comfort zone requires two things: change and a new skill set. Both take energy, and who has extra energy when they have little kids? The answer is to start small, and I'm going to show you how.

Let's start by looking at what makes change so hard in the first place.

Why Change Feels So Hard

Change takes energy. Making a commitment, validating ourselves and taking action all take effort. When we're tired, stretched thin and running on very little sleep, our brains default to what's familiar. That's why the old reactions (the snapping, the yelling, the giving in) show up most on our hardest days.

It requires a skill set we don't have yet. I didn't become a social worker to learn technology and business systems. I became a social worker to empower people and change lives. Here's what I know for sure: I'm most likely to want to throw in the towel when I'm doing something I don't understand or don't have the tools for. Isn't this true about parenting too? When your toddler is screaming on the floor of the grocery store and you don't have a plan, it makes sense that you fall back on whatever you've always done.

Taking action is the hardest part. Reading about a strategy is one thing. Using it in the middle of a hard moment is something else entirely. That last step, actually doing it, is where most of us get stuck.

We try to do it all at once. Finally, if you're anything like me, you want all the answers, tools and knowledge NOW. And when I try to learn or do it all at once, I get overwhelmed and end up right back on that sofa.

Your Wiring, Your Child's Wiring and Your Nervous System

It's equally important to understand wiring (how each of us experiences the world), because it affects how change happens in your home, for you and for your child.

Your nervous system. When you're stressed, your body goes into protection mode. In those moments you're not thinking, you're reacting. That's why a new strategy can feel easy when things are calm and impossible when your child is melting down. The more you practice a new response when things are calm, the easier it is to reach for it when things are hard.

Your temperament. Some of us are all-or-nothing people. We either overhaul everything or do nothing at all. Others are slow and steady but have a hard time getting started. Knowing which one you are helps you set yourself up for success instead of setting yourself up to quit.

Your child's temperament and sensory needs. A new tool also has to fit the child in front of you. A child who is cautious and slow to warm up may need more time before a new routine feels safe. A sensory-seeking child (always moving, crashing, climbing) may need movement before they can calm down, while a child who is sensitive to noise or touch may need a quiet, soft space. If a strategy isn't working, it doesn't always mean the strategy is wrong. Sometimes it just needs to be adjusted for your child's wiring.

So let's talk about what you can do.

Strategies: How to Start Changing How You Parent (One Small Step at a Time)

Here are some simple steps you can use this week to move out of your comfort zone without overwhelming yourself.

1. Add one tool to your toolbox. Just one. Maybe it's changing the way you respond to your child when they're screaming. Or maybe it's waiting for them to tell you what they want instead of doing it for them, so they learn the power of initiation (asking for what they need).
2. Pick the moment you want to change. Be specific. "Bedtime" or "when we leave the park" is much easier to work on than "I want to yell less."
3. Practice it until it feels natural before adding more. Master your new tool before you add another one. A tool you use consistently is worth far more than five tools you tried once.
4. Practice when things are calm. Rehearse what you'll say or do when you're not in the middle of a hard moment. That way it's ready when you need it.
5. Expect mistakes. We are learning, and there will be lots of mistakes before success. When you slip back into an old pattern, notice it, repair with your child if you need to, and try again.
6. Have gratitude, patience and grace with the process. And let's stop beating ourselves up. Change happens in small steps, not overnight.

So what is your intention for the week? What are you committing to work on? If you're stuck and need a tool, I've got plenty that I'm willing to lend you.

If tantrums are the moment you want to change, my free Tantrum Tamer Guide is a great place to start.

The Bottom Line

Changing how we parent is hard because it takes energy, a new skill set and the willingness to act when we're tired and stressed. Our own nervous system and temperament, along with our child's wiring, all affect how easily a new tool sticks. Starting small by adding one tool, practicing it when things are calm and giving yourself grace when you slip makes change possible. One small step at a time, you'll find yourself responding the way you want to. You've got this!

Quick Answers

Why do I keep going back to old parenting habits? When you're tired or stressed, your brain falls back on what's familiar. That's normal. Practicing a new response when things are calm makes it easier to use when things are hard.

How many new parenting strategies should I try at once? Start with one. Practice it until it feels natural before adding another, so you don't get overwhelmed and give up.

What if a new strategy isn't working for my child? Give it time and look at your child's wiring. Their temperament and sensory needs may mean the strategy needs a small adjustment, not that it's the wrong strategy.

All my best,

Jill

Jill Urbane, LCSW, is an early childhood interventionist with nearly three decades of experience working in the homes of families with young children.