Why Does My Toddler Have Separation Anxiety? (And How to Help)

Whether your little one is starting daycare, preschool, or time with a new sitter, separation anxiety can be painful for parents and kids alike. Many of us feel horribly guilty when we leave our child with a caregiver, only to hear them scream and call for us to come back. I don't know about you, but I've driven away from my daycare provider's house in tears many a time at drop-off!

What Causes Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety is a normal part of development, and it's actually a sign that your child has formed a healthy attachment to you. Separation anxiety comes from your child's growing cognitive and social-emotional development. Between 4 and 7 months, babies start to develop object permanence: learning that things and people still exist when they're out of sight. So when you step out of the room, your baby realizes you're gone but doesn't yet understand that you'll come back. That brings on anxiety and fear.

When to expect it and how long it lasts

• Separation anxiety usually shows up between 8 months and 1 year. This is when babies become more mobile and start exploring on their own, yet still feel unsure about being away from you. You've probably noticed your baby looking back to check that you're still there.
• Some children experience it later, around 18 months or 21⁄2 years, and some never experience it at all, which is okay!
• Life stresses can bring it on, too: a new childcare situation, a new sibling, a move, or tension at home.
• Some babies have nighttime separation anxiety and miss you while they're in their crib.
• This is a phase that will pass. Most children outgrow separation anxiety by age 5.

Why Some Kids Struggle More

Not every child experiences separation anxiety, and that doesn't mean a child who doesn't is any less attached. My son, for example, never had it. I put that down to his temperament: he was never fearful of strangers and has always been very independent. My daughter, on the other hand, was very clingy and had a hard time with separation. Sometimes the explanation is as simple as temperament (check out my YouTube video on temperament to learn more).

Your own nervous system plays a part as well. Children are quick to pick up on our emotions. If you get upset at drop-off, so will your child. Exude confidence in your caregiver and in your child's ability to handle it. It's okay to cry in the car!

Strategies: How to Help Your Toddler With Separation Anxiety

At drop-off

• NEVER sneak out when you leave your child! I've had many parents do this over the years during school visits, and I'm going to tell you, it makes things worse. Put yourself in your child's shoes: they go to a new place with new people. They're a bit nervous, but you're there, so they feel safe. They go off to explore, turn around to check in, and, boom, you're gone! You've just built a neural pathway you're going to regret. ALWAYS say a strong goodbye and let them see you leave. With repetition, they'll learn that you always come back.
• If you can, hold off on starting a new sitter or daycare between 8 months and 1 year, when separation anxiety usually peaks.
• Ask a new sitter to visit and play with your child several times before you leave them alone. For your first real outing, have the sitter arrive about 30 minutes early so they're well engaged before you step out. Use the same approach at a daycare center, nursery, or church.
• Create a goodbye ritual: a pleasant, loving, firm goodbye. Stay calm and show confidence in your child. Tell them when you'll be back using ideas they understand, like "after lunch," since they can't understand time yet.
• Come back when you promised. Your child builds confidence by seeing that you're there when you said you'd be.
• Avoid repeat trips back inside or long goodbyes. They make it harder on you, your child, and the caregiver.

At bedtime

• Spend extra cuddle time before bed: reading, snuggling, and softly singing together.
• If your little one cries after you've put them to bed, it's fine to go to them, both to reassure them and to reassure yourself. Keep your visits brief and boring so they learn to fall back asleep without a lot of help from you.

For older toddlers and preschoolers

• Listen to their feelings. "I know you're feeling sad. I'll miss you too" helps far more than telling a child they're making a fuss over nothing.
• Read stories, role-play, and remind them of their successes. Talk about times they were brave or did something on their own.
• Honor your commitments, especially time commitments. Be on time for pick-up, and keep small promises too. That builds trust and security.
• Talk up the fun ahead of time. If your preschooler is nervous about school, tell them how excited you'll be to hear about their day. Point out favorites like the sensory bin or the playground. Hype school up before they walk out the door.

If nothing seems to work

• Take a second look at your sitter or daycare. If your child keeps getting anxious and weepy when you leave, it may be a mismatch. If your child refuses to go, or shows signs of anxiety like trouble sleeping or loss of appetite, trust your gut.
• Practice with a relative or someone your child knows well, starting with 15-minute separations and working up to an hour. Your child learns that you come back without the added stress of someone unfamiliar.
• Re-evaluate your goodbye. Do you sneak out? Do you make it seem like you're never coming back? Do you slowly back down the walk, waving and crying?

When it may be something more: If separation anxiety gets in the way of an older child's normal activities, like going to school or to a friend's birthday party, it can be a sign of a deeper anxiety problem. And if it appears out of the blue in an older child, it can be a sign of something else they're dealing with, such as bullying or abuse.

Books that help

Children's books about separation can be a great way to talk about these feelings. Here are a few of my favorites*:

• The Good-Bye Book by Judith Viorst
• The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn (my personal favorite!)
• Mama Will Be Home Soon by Nancy Minchella and Keiko Narahashi
• I Love You All Day Long by Francesca Rusackas

Grown-ups may find Helping Your Child Overcome Separation Anxiety or School Refusal: A Step-by-Step Guide for Parents helpful as well.

The Bottom Line

So remember, separation anxiety is a normal part of development and a sign that your child has formed a healthy attachment to you. It usually peaks between 8 months and 1 year, can come back around 18 months or 21⁄2 years, and most kids outgrow it by age 5. Temperament plays a big role, and so does your own nervous system, since kids pick up on our emotions at drop-off. Using the strategies mentioned and with consistency and compassion, know that this stage shall pass.

Quick answers

Is separation anxiety normal for toddlers? Yes. It's a normal part of development and a sign of a healthy attachment to you. Some children never experience it, and that's okay too.

How long does separation anxiety last? It usually peaks between 8 months and 1 year, can come back around 18 months or 21⁄2 years, and most children outgrow it by age 5.

Is it better to sneak out so my toddler doesn't cry? No. Sneaking out makes separation anxiety worse. Say a calm, confident goodbye, let your child see you leave, and come back when you said you would.

If drop-offs are turning into daily meltdowns, grab my free Tantrum Tamer Guide for simple ways to calm big feelings before they boil over.

Disclosure: The book links above are affiliate links. This means that, at zero cost to you, I will earn an affiliate commission if you click through the link and finalize a purchase.

Jill Urbane, LCSW, is an early childhood interventionist with nearly three decades of experience working in the homes of families with young children.